Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
