Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
