It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I am one with the molecules
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
