My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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