I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
