Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
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