It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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