Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
