Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
