Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
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