dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
