Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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