so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
