Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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