I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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