I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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