my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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