i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
