I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
