I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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