Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I want her autograph on my taint
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
