Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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