he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
