Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
