So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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