My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
