So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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