I think I won the penis lottery.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
