Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
