I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
