I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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