You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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