I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
