I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
