i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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