Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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