On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
