we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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