Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
