I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
It's blow job season.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
