I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
