just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
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