you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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