I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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