he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
