that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
