Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
