I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
