So drunk its hurt
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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