I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
