He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
