My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Randomize
