i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
