I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Randomize
