Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
