i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
