New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
