Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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